anger
bargaining
depression
acceptance
the five stages of grief and I think i've hit everyone of them through out the day.
I've had an outpouring of support from friends and church members and I couldn't be more grateful. I truly believe that they were put into our lives for a reason.
If you catch me longingly staring at my son, i'm just soaking him up, memorizing his movements, thinking about him.
Austin said to me last night "you cant mourn a child you haven't lost yet" and he's right. I need to stop mourning spencer. He's still here, he's still normal, he's still spencer. HE'S STILL SPENCER. So we've decided that he's just our normal boy--for now-- and we'll treat him as such. We're not treating him any different, except now he gets more hugs and kisses from mom and hand holding.
Lorelei too. I can't forget about my sweet girl. She's so willing to help me and i'm grateful for her. She knows I'm having a rough time and she will literally bend over backwards for me, i am so so so grateful for my sweet girl.
I"m grateful for eternity, eternal families, eternal perspective. No matter what happens I know that we'll be together again
Spencer has an appointment with the Neurologist in Springfield on June 18th, so we'll see what happens next.
Thanks for all your prayers and friendship. It literally means the world to me. I'll be updating this probably everyday. Therapy.. you know... also i'll be taking pictures daily of spencer.
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| 5/14/14 |
1 comment:
I don't remember driving home from the doctor's the day Daniel got his diagnosis, but I know we did, cause we're all here. Just in a surreal fog. BUT I was grateful that there was now a name and a direction. There wasn't much help in those days (sheesh, that sounds so prehistoric!) and I made a ton of phone calls and talked to everyone I could get in touch with. I kept a huge notebook of contacts, notes and potential leads. I read everything I could get my hands on and made myself aware of just what we were up against. It wasn't pretty at times and I made a lot of people angry with me as I fought for him. I didn't care. I don't answer to them. I answer to my son and to my Heavenly Father. He has entrusted Spencer with you and with Austin. This He has done because he knows that you are up to the task. I firmly believe that we as family signed on to support Daniel. That' it is not just Daniel who has Autism, but all of us. We are changed because of it. Our reality is different. It's not bad, it is just ours. I came to realize that there are so very many things that are worse than Autism...the child who doesn't want to come home, the child who is missing, the child that is angry. So many things are easier. I have always (and I know I will take crap for this...) been so crabby about "those damn kids with cancer". It was liek they got everything. Telethons, Make a Wish, funding, friends who shaved their heads in support. Yeah, well cancer has an end. Autism doesn't. MD doesn't. BUT, Spencer is no less than he was last month. But I totally get what Austin said. At the same time, we ALL have to bury the child that we thought we gave birth to and love the one we got. It's like that for all of our children. Anyway, enough of my sisterly ramblings. We love you and we are with you every step of the way. You can do this. You are made of good stuff. I love you.
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