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i'm not ashamed to admit iti also don't think there is anything seriously wrong with me
but ever since i was in high school i've had little bouts of depression.
i was really good at hiding my depression until i wanted to literally drive my car into a rock wall by my house... anyways
i went to therapy, and she was seriously awesome.
listened to me and never pushed anti-depressants on me.
i did take anti-depressants but decided that i'd rather feel sad every once in a while than feel like a walking zombie, because that's literally how i felt.
my emotions were no longer down, but i couldn't get my emotions up, they were in a sense flatlined.
when austin and i first got married i would get depressed because he worked all the time, and when he came home, he'd be tired, cold and hungry and i'd just want to chat, play and go outside. I expected him to know exactly what i wanted, and he didn't and i'd get so frustrated and get my little attitude.
Lets just say that the first 2 months of our marriage i was often found pouting or crying around the house, but that was entirely my fault, because we didn't communicate.
after we had lorelei i was super worried that i would get post partum depression and not feel like i loved my baby enough, but that wasn't the case, i was so happy, she made me deliriously happy.
but then she started to go through phases and i would seriously think that she didn't like me and that made me sad, but austin did all he could to let me know that that wasn't true.
lately, austin has been working again all the time, and i've been with the kids all day, and it's exactly what i've asked for but i've just been feeling sad, i often feel like i'm not doing enough to help out with finances (when i know i'm saving money by not having to put two children in day care), and i feel like i'm not a good enough mother because i'm not as hands on as everyone else is ( i know i shouldn't compare myself to other moms, but it's hard)
i feel like crying alot, like today, austin told me he had to work on saturday and probably every saturday after that and i seriously wanted to break down and sob, but i didn't because i thought i was being ridiculous.
via: weheartit
i also feel like i want to scream, a loud, long guttural scream and then i want to shriek like a banshee.
i'm only telling everyone out in blogland this because, if i down i'll internalize it, and that's no good.
don't feel sorry for me, really, because it's normal (for me at least)
sometimes i just have to say it out loud and then im better.
2 comments:
I have that same fear about having a baby :(
And I felt the same way about medication - being a zombie.
But, I feel like since I've had Aaron, I've just been able to deal! But I know it will get harder
There is a season for all things (Ecclesiastes ch 3) it is very unlike me to quote a scripture, but this is the first thing that popped into my head. There are many more than you'll ever know that understand this challenge, I for one have been there...and back! Glad to feel the seasons of laughter and dance creep back in to balance my life :) I hope you can find your rhythm, for depression is such a wasteful way to feel. What about anti anxiety rx? Did you try more than one kind? It takes some trial and error to get it right. Thank u for writing about this, the more it's out there the more safe others will feel with their struggles. (i hope i didnt just sound like a total self righteous douche) Much love sister ;)
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